like seriously full of shit (marbaby) wrote,
like seriously full of shit



You know, I started this journal when I was pregnant with our child. I had just moved to San Diego and didn't know what to do with myself while you were at work. So I had the internets and I found this place.

I don't understand why you're gone. I still don't want to believe it's true. It isn't fair. Our son, 11 years after we conceived is SO AMAZING. So deserving to have a mother and a father who love him. Yet, you just up and die like that? I know it's not your fault. I want someone to blame. Who can I blame? God? Maybe, if I still believed. So instead I am just pissed off. I want an explanation. A reason why you were taken like that.

I wanted you to see Ethan grow up. To be there when he graduates high school and college. When he gets his first job. First girlfriend. Wife. Kids. House. Car. Everything.
But now you can't. And now I have all these regrets. Maybe we should have stayed together. Then would any of this have happened? What could we have done to change your fate?

I'm sorry I wasn't the nicest person to you at times. I should have been more understanding and sympathetic. I should have been the friend that you needed when you did. I'm sorry we couldn't work things out. I'm sorry I moved your son away from you. All these things I never got a chance to say to you. Will you ever know?

You need to help me. From wherever you are. You need to help me raise this boy of ours. Steer him in the right direction and help him make the best decisions in life. I can't and was never able to do this by myself. And now I feel so alone.

I miss you.
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