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.19.days.   
11:10pm 28/09/2012
  It's weird, you not trying to call or skype us. Or you not sending me e-mails at like 3am. I still keep thinking that "yeah, he'll call." But you won't. Ever again.

Our kid is okay. He's really clingy to me right now, which is to be expected. He keeps saying that I need to stick around longer than you did. It breaks my heart. I am all he's got now. I can't let him down. I'm so paranoid now about getting healthier, eating right, driving safer...everything.

Your brother sent me a copy of your death certificate. There was so much that was wrong with you, Ryan. Why didn't you take better care of yourself? YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF. I'm still so angry that you're gone.

He misses you. Everything is okay, but it's not.

Where did you go?
 
     

(scratch me)

 
Gone   
06:59am 12/09/2012
  ryanandethan

You know, I started this journal when I was pregnant with our child. I had just moved to San Diego and didn't know what to do with myself while you were at work. So I had the internets and I found this place.

I don't understand why you're gone. I still don't want to believe it's true. It isn't fair. Our son, 11 years after we conceived is SO AMAZING. So deserving to have a mother and a father who love him. Yet, you just up and die like that? I know it's not your fault. I want someone to blame. Who can I blame? God? Maybe, if I still believed. So instead I am just pissed off. I want an explanation. A reason why you were taken like that.

I wanted you to see Ethan grow up. To be there when he graduates high school and college. When he gets his first job. First girlfriend. Wife. Kids. House. Car. Everything.
But now you can't. And now I have all these regrets. Maybe we should have stayed together. Then would any of this have happened? What could we have done to change your fate?

I'm sorry I wasn't the nicest person to you at times. I should have been more understanding and sympathetic. I should have been the friend that you needed when you did. I'm sorry we couldn't work things out. I'm sorry I moved your son away from you. All these things I never got a chance to say to you. Will you ever know?

You need to help me. From wherever you are. You need to help me raise this boy of ours. Steer him in the right direction and help him make the best decisions in life. I can't and was never able to do this by myself. And now I feel so alone.

I miss you.
 
     

(3 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.grey.shirt.   
08:26am 04/05/2009
  so, the dude.

we'll dub him q-tip, just because.

it's been almost 3 weeks since we've started talking/chatting/emailing.

he's pretty awesome.

we text/email each other every day. and they're not dinky emails either. they're long-ass, full-of-funny-story emails.

we were supposed to do something over the weekend, but he was away visiting family.
i saw him yesterday though. i had to drop something off.
he had plans to go out later but had about an hour to spare.
we spent that hour lying on his bed talking.
we talk a lot.

i've enjoyed getting to know him and being around him thus far.

i think he's going to stick around for a while :)
 
     

(scratch me)

 
.q-tips.   
05:56am 27/04/2009
  i met a boy on friday.
i played hooky from work and spent the whole day with him.
he's so rad.

maybe this one will stick around for awhile.

:)
 
     

(1 sniff | scratch me)

 
.of.course.   
07:38pm 19/04/2009
 
mood: annoyed
oh snap! how could i forget to mention the latest one that i've SORT of started dating?

he's 28, cute. hockey player. he's also separated, but still lives his wife...who happens to be in a FUCKING WHEELCHAIR (not that there's anything wrong with that). but he doesn't want to get serious with anyone/me until his separation/divorce is all sorted out. they've been separated for 2 years btw.

um, what? you CAN'T leave her because you're her primary care-giver and don't want to be a jerk and leave her all alone?

that's what HOME HEALTH CARE is for motherfucker.

wow...i am telling you. this is karma biting me in the ass SO FUCKING HARD.
 
     

(2 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.rhythm.heaven.   
07:21pm 19/04/2009
  so...since my breakup with derek last july, i've gone back to dating.

ugh.

i went back on that dating site i was on before. i've gone on quite a few dates since july. a couple stayed around for a bit, the others were one time meets. back in the fall i was dating this one dude. we'll call him 'morden'. he was from a small town called morden (haha) that was about an hour away. for awhile we tried to make it work, him driving here for the weekend, me going there a couple of times. but ultimately it got too difficult and i don't think either of us were sure on whether or not we wanted to put that much effort into it.

since then it's been date after date. i've probably met up with a dozen dudes. i loathe dating. i find that most guys are like that fucking katy perry song 'hot and cold'. seriously. what? oh, you think i'm cute and you're gonna kiss me at the end of the date? ok, i'm cool with that. oh...wait, you sorta stop talking to me for no reason? ok, i'm cool with that too.

RETARDED I TELL YOU.

and i thought girls were bad. guys are just as bad. but then again, what do i expect right? this IS online dating.

i don't even get nervous anymore when i go on these dates. maybe i'm being too picky? i just don't want to settle at this point in my life. i'd like to think that i've learned from my past and know what i want and don't want.

i did go back onto eharmony though. goddamn that site is expensive. and although their commercials make me want to poke my eyes out, secretly i want what every one of those couples have...
 
     

(2 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.bowchee.   
04:52pm 18/04/2009
 
mood: horny
i've spent the past 1/2 hour reading my old entries.

i miss this place.

i think i'm going to start livejournaling again.

here are some highlights:

-got a new job
-going to the gym again woooo

wow. 2 highlights. there are more, but as i type, my son is sitting next to me reading everything. so it's awesome that he can read, but not so awesome because i have to keep it rated G.

i'll update soon.

:)
 
     

(8 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.blufish.   
09:38am 25/04/2008
  hi again.

so i'm back...sorta.

my blogspot is mainly where i talk about my dudes and crafting and my boyfriend and movies and all that jazz.

but i feel like livejournal is the only place i can really speak my mind about personal shit.

so...that being said...

remember orville?

...

don't worry, nothing happened. i went out for sushi with him last night. it had been a while since i had seen him, probably before christmas. he's leaving in about a week to go to greece for 2 months. so i wanted to see him before he left.

damn does he look good.

and why, does he still give me butterflies? why do i find myself at a loss for words because i'm so nervous?

i mean, we dated for 2.5 years 14 years ago. like come on already. is it because he was my 1st love? is it because for the longest time we were one of those couples that broke up/got back together all the time?

me and my boyfriend just celebrated our 1 year anniversary last week. he is a good man and he loves me. i should be happy and content. and most of the time i am. i couldn't ask for a better man.

am i the only one that goes through these stupid emotions?

ugh.
 
     

(1 sniff | scratch me)

 
.   
09:46am 17/04/2008
  hi.
:)
 
     

(10 sniffs | scratch me)

 
   
12:14pm 11/11/2006
  So me and D are completely done.

We were supposed to have plans for next weekend for my birthday, but I figure, why bother?

Last night, he apparently slept with his ex.

Why is this bothering me? We're not dating anymore. I shouldn't even care.

Yet I do. Dating sucks. This is why I loathe it. Fuck these shit feelings.
 
     

(3 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.last.chance.   
07:43pm 02/11/2006
 

WHO INVENTED THESE THINGS?! SATAN HIMSELF?! NEVER FUCKING AGAIN!
 
     

(5 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.lost.   
04:34pm 30/10/2006
  I miss D. Ever since we decided we should just be friends...we don't really talk anymore.

He's going through a lot of stuff right now. With family, friends, maybe even me. I don't know. I don't like to think about it too much, just because it makes me sad. Things would be so different if he lived here...I think.

Other than that, the new job is okay. I love learning about the flowers, but the work itself is...I dunno...kinda boring. I'm up to my ass in invoices all day every day. I miss the people that I used to work with at convergys. I miss laughing.

It's halloween tomorrow. Ethan is excited of course. He's going to be a ninja skeleton. He's so cute. I love him to bits. I'll be sure to take hella pictures this time. god, I'm such a slacker these days.
 
     

(scratch me)

 
.deals.shitty.   
10:09pm 23/10/2006
  So, tonight, me and D decided we're better off as friends.

Oh well, I tried right?
 
     

(6 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.aftershave.   
01:00pm 21/10/2006
  So far I'm liking my new job. There is so much to learn though. I never realized how many flowers there were, it's totally overwhelming. But it's good, more challenging than my old job. I share an office with John (the best friend), and Ty (I'm his assistant), and they're fabulous. John is constantly farting and Ty is constantly giggling. We're all pretty gay.

Things are awesome with D. Everytime he comes into town, he stops by my house on his way home, just to say hi. I could fall for him if I let myself. His kisses make me weak at the knees. We seriously don't have a lot in common, yet it works. He's a corny joke-teller. I usually hate those people, but with him, I don't mind so much. I'm learning to accept and compromise when it comes to certain things about him. It's been almost 2 months since we've been seeing each other, and granted things are moving a little slow...it doesn't really bother me that much anymore.

Ethan is going to be a ninja for halloween. Not just any ninja though; a skeleton ninja. Right? He's so morbid, I love it.
 
     

(scratch me)

 
.delicate.one.   
08:57am 15/10/2006
  I'm seeing J again on Tuesday, it should be loads of fun.

D came over last night and hung out with us for awhile. Ethan is really taken with him. I've got to be careful with this one. I don't like bringing guys around Ethan that won't/don't stick around. Only because Ethan tends to get attached easily, which is why I seldom bring guys that I date home. I guess it doesn't matter either way. If me and D end up just as friends, that's fine, cause I know he'll still want to hang out with me and Ethan.

Still haven't heard from Ryan. He's utterly useless. Ethan doesn't even ask about him anymore. I don't blame him. Ryan dug his own grave. The older Ethan gets, the more he understands. Even if Ryan did want a relationship with him in the future, that trust, that bond has been broken. I never talk ill of Ryan around Ethan, and I mean, if Ethan decides in the future he wants to see his dad, I have no problem with that. But Ryan will have a lot of making up to do, a lot of explaining. Good luck with that bud.

I start my new job on Thursday. I'm excited. I was sad on Friday, my co-workers came around my cubicle with balloons and a huge-ass card. Then we took pictures. It's going to be so weird that I won't be seeing those people every day. I almost started tearing when I read the card. Bastards, I'll miss them all.

I haven't been to the gym in a week. Do I care? Hell no. Lazy whore.
 
     

(1 sniff | scratch me)

 
.go.let.   
04:27am 08/10/2006
  so, dating this man is frustrating.

i CRAVE physical contact from him. i seldom get it.

HELLO?! ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO ME? DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME NAKED? like seriously, what is the deal.

we've been seeing each other for a month now. a month people. to most that might not seem like a long time, but to me...um. yeah. sex would have been happening by now.

granted he lives 3 hours away, and he only comes in on the weekends, but still...

like today. we went to the museum. me, him and Ethan. yes i know it's the museum and there's no hanky-panky allowed, but come on.

hold my hand, pinch my ass, GRAB MY BOOB. but do SOMETHING. all he did was put his hand on the small of my back as i was climbing the stairs. how bout i got all tingly when he did that. why? because he fucking touched me, that's why. pathetic, that a gesture that small got me all excited. my god already.

you know when the time comes, IF IT EVER DOES, i'm totally going to rape his ass.

jesus.
 
     

(4 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.bliss.pure.   
10:34am 06/10/2006
  so i cut my hair, bitches.
i'd post pictures, but...the boy has my camera right now.
i love, love, love my hair!
and i love my hairstylist. i want to marry her i think.
ha.

so, saturday, me and D are taking the kids (Anthony, and Ethan) to the museum. that should be fun. i haven't been there since grade school, and Ethan has never been there and he's super excited. it's totally cute.

and yay! i get to see the boy. it's been 2 weeks, but it seems so much longer than that. i'm going to give him the biggest hug ever when i see him.

holy shit, shutup already you sap. my god.
 
     

(2 sniffs | scratch me)

 
.love.walked.in.   
09:58pm 01/10/2006
  it's so weird. this 'thing' with D.

he lives 3 hours away. he comes back on the weekends. he has his son every other weekend. we get together everytime he comes into the city...but still.

we are very different people. he has strong beliefs, and he is quite set in his ways. there are things that i love about him, and other things i just don't care for.

why are men so hard to read?

i think about him pretty much all the time. i'm not in love with him, that's too deep, too fast. but he is in my thoughts throughout the day. i don't know if it's the same on his end. and i'm not about to ask, because...well, really who does that?

i am analyzing too much. i know this. but that's just my nature. ugh. i hate when people tell me this, but maybe i should just, 'go with the flow'.

flow schmlow.

pffft.
 
     

(scratch me)